When it comes to jokes and one-liners, the Brits have their fair share. They may be about the weather, things wrong with Britain or people from other countries (typically people from Australia, France or Ireland – for which we are sorry!). You may not understand them or find them funny – or you may love them but here are 20 typical British jokes…
Q: Why is Britain the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”
From a legendary comedian Tommy Cooper:
”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”
A truck-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
It’s just the way we think
Should I stay or should I go…?
Q: What do you call an English restaurant that only serves pancakes?
A: All Day Brexit
England last won in 1966…
Q: What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee
Love is in the air!
Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
If only monsters could really do this
Q: What time was it when the monster ate the British prime minister?
A: 8 P.M.
A diet of Scottish Whisky?
I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Q: What’s the greatest invention ever?
A: Blinds. Because otherwise, we’d all be curtains
Only in Britain…
…do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
‘I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said “Eurostar?” I said, “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.
A Classic British Sandwich – and a pun…
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain’s parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: ‘Look, it’s not the same hat. Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?’ The magician was furious but, as it was the captain’s parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: ‘OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?’
Source: The Daily Mail
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Be the best you can at what you do
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Is this some sort of joke?
This poster was in a British shop window:
Call it what it is
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.